Moderation In All Things

There’s such a thing as too much of a good thing. The key to a balanced life lies in moderation, and any of us who’s ever overdone it knows that excess quickly becomes miserable.

On today’s show we first discuss the Swedish concept of lagom, a.k.a. ‘good enough’ living. Next, we apply age-old, temperate wisdom to spending habits, interpersonal communication, tidying, and emotions.

Here’s a preview:

[3:30] The middle is where we want to be. (Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it)

[6:30] 5 ways extreme thinking gets rewarded every darn day

[9:30] The Swedish philosophy of lagom, a.k.a. living with just the right amount

[17:00] How to apply the concepts of moderation and balance to our spending habits

[22:00] The Traffic Light Rule of interpersonal communication

[26:00] 3 real problems associated with emotion suppression

[29:00] When it comes to your home’s tidiness, what’s good enough?

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Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Hello there. Welcome back. Today we are exploring the secret behind a balanced life, which of course is moderation in all things.

There comes a point, we all know it to be true when there is too much of a good thing. If you’re listening at or near release date, Halloween is right around the corner, and this is a binge fest holiday . So let’s talk about eating candy for a hot minute. If you eat and eat and eat all the Snickers, all the Reese’s, all the kit. You are feeling great. The sugar is coursing through your veins. You are just so thrilled to be eating such yummy things, and then your stomach starts to hurt. You might feel physically sick. You may feel [00:01:00] internally all sorts of ways. Maybe you’re feeling guilty for eating so much candy.

But the point here is that anything, whether it’s Halloween candy or something else, when enjoyed in excess, becomes miserable, even the good things in life. Researchers graph this phenomenon as an upside down You, so think of the letter you and then turn it upside down so that the curvy part is at the top, the effects of any experience. Are more and more and more positive until you reach a state of maximum arousal.

That’s a science term. I’m gonna use the term, the point of no return, and then that’s at the top of the U when maximum arousal, when the point of new return starts to go back down and become more and more negative.

Here’s another example. It also has to do with eating, but we are not talking about eating today. Really quick, think about eating and [00:02:00] exercise. I call this the pendulum swing. Life on the pendulum is not so fun. It happens when I start my day with a really great and hard and long workout, and I’m feeling so good with myself then later in the day, I feel as though I’m justified to have not one dessert, but maybe two or three desserts. That’s the pendulum swing. So I work out extra hard and I eat extra food. Why would I not just exercise less and eat less dessert? That sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But it’s so much harder to practice.

Now, of course. Quick disclaimer, for some of us there is a time and there is a place for extremism. I’m talking to those who struggle with drugs or alcohol or cigarettes for addictive habits, completely abstaining can be the right choice. But for all the other aspects of living, the ones we’re talking about today, the [00:03:00] middle is where we want to be.

The middle is where we want to be

Let’s talk about the middle for a moment. The middle is where we want to be, and if you’re not sure, you believe me, I’m gonna give you a couple examples.

In child development, there is a phenomenon called the Goldilocks Effect. So remember, Goldilocks from our childhood, Goldilocks went into a Bear’s House. One bed was too big, one was too small, one was just right. So the Goldilocks effect occurs when infants naturally tune into [00:04:00] experiences that are neither too simple. Nor too complex, so just right just in the middle.

Marketers know the idea of the golden mean: when presented with a product that’s offered at a low, a medium, or a high price point, shoppers typically tend pick the product that’s offered at the medium price in the middle.

There’s even a popular saying that glorifies the middle: when there’s an argument between two people, the truth lies in the middle.

Let’s go way, way back to Aristotle. Aristotle argued that when we have too little expression of a personality trait or too much of that trait, it’s a no-no. So let’s use courage for example. Too little courage? You’re a coward. Too [00:05:00] much courage? You’re reckless.

Social scientists, find the same thing. We tend to think about cheerfulness as a positive character trait, don’t we? But if you have too much cheerfulness, social scientists argue that if you are too cheerful, you will likely earn lower salaries than your cohorts, and you may also live a shorter life because overly cheerful.

If you have too much self-esteem. So again, having self-esteem is generally a good thing, but if you have too much of a good thing, too much self-esteem is associated with problems at work, problems with relationships, and problems with your own physical and emotional health.

If Aristotle doesn’t convince you, how about a modern pop song. There is a very wise song, maybe you’ve heard it. It’s my eight year [00:06:00] old’s, one of her favorite songs. It glorifies the beauty of the middle. It’s by Zedd. I really don’t wanna sing it for you, but I’ll just say it’s all about meeting you in the middle. Let’s just stop there cause I can’t sing and it won’t be pretty if I do.

Our culture glamorizes extremes

So I hope I convinced you that the middle is the sweet spot – despite the fact that the middle is the sweet spot – our culture glamorizes extremes.

Think about American politics for a minute. That’s like the number one example that comes to my mind. Binge watching television. Now we’re no longer content with just, um, you know, watching a show a week now we binge watch keyword there being binge watch. We watch to extreme.

There’s a persistent message in our culture that you can never have too much money. There’s not a such a thing as being too wealthy.

I do believe this one’s changing [00:07:00] hopefully, but in decades past for women, you can never be too thin. I do hope and think that one’s slowly changing.

Let’s take this a step further. We have evolved as human beings to be extreme. We have evolved to see things in black and white rather than in grays. If you have to make a life or death decision in a split second. Blunt categories, fight or flight, for example, stay or go. Scream or play dead . Extreme categories are very useful, and even so, that’s a high stake situation, but even in low stake situations, thinking in extremes does benefit us.

When we put people into categories, that’s way more efficient. It’s simpler, it preserves mental energy, [00:08:00] conversely, when we think about nuances, that’s mentally taxing. And so extreme labels, you’re either this or this, we’re gonna do this or this. Those extreme labels are quick, it’s a one and done decision.

Our culture does value the extremes, but I am of the belief that in addition to that, many of us have personalities that tend to favor black versus white.

I am one of those people with one of those personalities. I’ve said before on the show, I am a zero to Oprah type of gal. I’m either 100% in or I’m all the way out. Generally, in my mind, there’s either right or wrong. If there’s an argument, one person’s right, one person’s wrong, and I have really been trying to work on training myself to not only see the gray, but being okay with hanging out in the gray with accepting that there are [00:09:00] indeed nuances in life and nuances are what makes life interesting. But again, all of that is hard work for me.

And if that sounds right to you, if you also struggle with black and white thinking and you know your Enneagram, well just know that type eights, which is me, and also type one and type sevens when sevens are in stress, tend to resort to black and white thinking. So there is a personality component here as well.

The Swedish concept of Lagom

What on earth is lagum? Lagum in Swedish translates Literally into just the right amount. Legum means knowing when enough is enough. [00:10:00] It is in trying to find moderation in all areas of life. So not consistently grasping for more and more and more, more friends, more money, more stuff, more status. No, no, no. It’s in understanding that the beauty, the balance lies in the middle.

So it’s not too much, not too little, just the right amount. It’s modern take on an old philosophy, that revers balance in every area of life. Now, again, this is not a new philosophy. It’s rooted in Hindu and Buddhist roots. Humans do have a tendency, to crave more and more and craving leads to misery. We’ve known this for centuries.

However, lagom is a new take on that old idea. Lagom is that feeling of contentment we all get [00:11:00] when we have everything we need and we’re comfy. Lagom is not private jets and mansions and fame, but it’s also not homelessness and hunger, either.

It is simply nothing more and nothing less than striving for a roof over your head and food in your belly and friends who’ve got your back and just enough money in your pockets.

So it’s all of that and it’s also understanding that all of that is plenty. There’s no more striving for more. Once you’ve reached enough. Now couple, couple more things on lag here, because I love the concept so much. Do you remember when Becca, I don’t know, a decade ago or perhaps here in the US the Danish idea of hygge really blew up. I’m hoping lagom is the next thing.

Lola Akerström, she is the author of the book [00:12:00] titled Lagom: The Swedish Recipe for Living With Less and being Happy argues that there are five precursors to practicing lagom. So we’re gonna talk about lagom and moderation with regard to communication, emotions, house stuff, and spending in a moment.

But before we can do that, we need to all get our heads right with regard to the five precursors we need before we attempt to practice a life of moderation.

The five precursors are Number one, you have to have a positive attitude. So you have to generally look on the bright side of life.You can’t strive for enough if you are a negative Nelly, okay? So you gotta be positive.

Number two, you have to regularly carve out time for exercise at rest. So resting, sleeping, well, exercise, those are have to be priorities for you before practicing lagom [00:13:00]

Number three, you are all this already cuz you listen to this show, but you have to respect the planet. You’re not excessively wasting resources. Okay? That’s precursor three.

Number four, you focus on bringing items into your home that are simple but function. Okay, Functional. We’ve talked about this a lot on this show. Simple, but functional, a white couch with kids is not functional.

Now, fun fact here, we all know Ikea, right? The well known Swedish furniture brand. Ikea has an entire line of furniture that’s dedicated to lagom and wouldn’t, you know, this line of furniture is characterized by simple lines. Practicality over. aesthetics. That’s lagom at IKEA if you’re interested.

And then finally, the fifth precursor to practicing lagom, according to [00:14:00] lagom, is you need to be willing to abandon the unattainable goal of perfection. And wow, that is profound, isn’t it? There’s nothing more frustrating in life than aspiring towards something that’s unattainable. 

Lagom believes that there is beauty to be found in the gray area in the middle, and when we learn to embrace imperfection, that’s where we gain wisdom.

Moderation in all things: Spending

Housing, food, transportation. That’s unarguable. We’re not talking about those today. What I am talking about is the discretionary funds. That means giving yourself a little leeway if funds allow, if funds with a Ds, if funds allow so that you can have some fun.

Now I’m covering this spoiler alert. I’m covering this on the next episode, coming out Tuesday. My guests and I, so my guests are the two hosts of the Frugal Friends Podcast. If you listen to it, it’s an amazing show and we have an amazing conversation on Tuesday. But the topic of that conversation is impulse spending and how to curb it.

And I don’t wanna give too much away, but basically I must say that as a [00:16:00] conscious consumer, I tend to shun impulse per purchasing. I try to not do it ever, ever, like zero. Remember, I’m a zero to a hundred type of person. I’m either doing it or I’m not. For me, impulse spending falls into this category. I try to never impulse buy, but then when I’m not perfect – when I do fall off the wagon – I tend to feel really darn guilty.

So what is moderation in spending for me, and perhaps for you too? Moderation in spending means that if funds allow for you funds with a ds. If funds allow, it means giving yourself X amount of dollars every month. for fun. Whatever fun is for you, maybe you’ll use that money on an experience. Maybe some months you’ll buy a thing.

Maybe some months you won’t even use that money and you’ll put it aside and put it in saving. Save it for later. Save it for something bigger. Who knows? But [00:17:00] my point here is that if you’re listening to this show, I’m willing to bet you’re like me, you very rarely have fun with money impulsively. You probably very rarely impulse spend.

For most of us, that is an unattainable goal of perfection and spending. Give yourself a little fun money. Instead of the extreme of never spending or the other extreme of willy-nilly spending, you will have better financial security and here’s the key.

You will release yourself of the guilt you may likely feel when you don’t subscribe to your rigid rules. So stay tuned for Tuesday’s episode, by the way. It is such a good one, but lagom in spending means giving yourself a little money each month to have some fun. You didn’t think I was gonna say that, did you?

Moderation in communication

Moderation in interpersonal relationships and interpersonal communication, that is really darn hard for most, if not all of us. The introverts who are listening may likely engage too little while the extroverts listening, myself included, tend to dominate conversations.

I am the world’s biggest extrovert. I love talking to everyone, everything, strangers, brick, walls, you name it. Historically, I have not worried that much about how I come across when I’m hanging out with other people. I just bust in on the scene like the Kool-Aid man and all my , extroverted glory, and I assume everyone loves me.[00:19:00] Not an exaggeration, but lately I’m wondering, wait a minute, am I too much? Am I too much for people? And I probably am.

Similarly on the other side of the spectrum, those of us who are quieter, you may feel a need to move toward the middle when communicating with others. Perhaps you revert to saying nothing when you’re feeling a bit of social anxiety, or perhaps you don’t even attend many social situations. Out of fear or out of disinterest. So maybe you are like the extroverts listening in the fact that you find yourself wondering, does the person I’m talking to like me? Am I performing well in this conversation?

These are natural human concerns, by the way. And so wherever you fall on the introversion to extroversion spectrum, social psych has something to say to you about communication so that we all move toward the middle. Now, I [00:20:00] have two prevailing rules of thumb for you when you’re conversing with another human being.

The first rule we’re gonna talk about is the traffic light rule. The traffic light rule for the first 30 seconds. Of talking, you’ve got the green light for the next 30 seconds, So second 31 to 60, you’re in the yellow light. If you’re talking for more than 60 seconds, you are in the red zone. You need to stop talking and you need to give the other person a chance so that you don’t come off like a self absorb. jerk. Okay, so talk for 30 ish seconds. That’s green talk for 60 seconds. That’s yellow. The chances are increasing that the person you’re talking to wishes you’d stop.

And then after 60 seconds, Red Alert, stop talking, give the other [00:21:00] person a chance to talk. That is the traffic light rule of communication. It’s not made up by me, it’s made up by a psychologist.

And then the second rule of thumb is the 30-50 rule of communication in a two person conversation talk slightly less than half the time. So 30 to 50% of the conversation, talk. The rest should be active listening. That is my new goal. Talk less talk 30 to 50% of the time.

Moderation in all things: Emotion

In the Western world, there are societal forces at play.

Females tend to be implicitly taught from a young age that anger is an undesirable feminine trait. Similarly, males are implicitly told that sadness, crying outward emotional displays. also display weakness, and so many of us, we tend to suppress what’s undesirable, but such suppression is effectively living in an extreme when you suppress emotions, you are on one end of the spectrum.

Now this is not Stephanie saying this, this is psychologists saying this, Humans are meant to experience a full spectrum of emotions. [00:23:00] Psychologists argue that you will have a more meaningful and engaging life if you tap into the full range of your emotions, including the ones that you may or may not feel are socially undesirable.

Let’s talk about anger for a minute. If you identify as a female and you’re listening right now, anger suppression is something that you regularly do, know that of course, while suppressing that anger may not be healthy, becoming belligerent and going all out is not necessarily healthy either. So it’s not that we should never suppress anger, it’s that we should temper it. It’s that we should go more to the middle.

Because when [00:24:00] you fully suppress your emotions, studies have found that whatever emotion you’re suppressing, anger, sadness, grief, frustration, whatever the emotion is suppressing it can lead to physical stress on your body.

Now, if anybody in my personal life is listening right now. I’m sure they would argue that I’m not one to suppress my mo emotions.Surprise to no one: I feel all my emotions. I feel happiness. Anger, whatever the emotion is, I feel, and I express them boldly. But that said, if I’m going to truly explore by emotional range, which is of course what I’m suggesting to you today, I must say that sadness or melancholy, that feeling scares me for some reason.

I’m not afraid of my anger, but for some reason I do shy away from being sad. It’s like,  “Oh, there’s a little twinge of sadness coming. Don’t [00:25:00] go there. Don’t fall into that hole, Stephanie. Let’s pick ourselves up.”

Now, feeling sad is completely normal, completely healthy, but so what do I tend to do when I tend to get sad or depressed? I immediately reflexively have a knee-jerk reaction to pick myself up somehow. Don’t go down that melancholy hole, right? So go for a run and get the endorphins kicking or reach for some wine, because wine tends to make me feel better. But if I’m going to take my own advice here and feel a range of emotions, not suppress anything, I need to get comfortable with feeling sad. I need to sit with that sadness, sit in that sadness, because doing so will likely teach me something about myself.

So just to recap, when we talk moderation in terms [00:26:00] of our emotions, we all know when we’re on the extreme of feeling and emotion too much, right? Too much anger is belligerent. Too much sadness is depression. And when we tend to get on that side of the spectrum, we tend to get professional help.

Hopefully we get professional help, right? So for this one, when it comes to moderation and emotions. If you are an emotion suppressor, which most of us are even, I’m an emotion suppressor. If you’re an emotion suppressor, I want you to get comfortable moving a little bit more towards the middle, towards the gray area, to feel the full range of human emotions.

Moderation in housework

We are onto our last category today, and that is your home’s appearance. I’m talking about the tidiness level of your home, how much you clean, how much you declutter, all those things. We all want our homes to feel attractive and comfy and home-like, right?[00:27:00] But there is too much of a good thing. As we’ve discussed today, we can devote too much time, too much money, too much of our mental space to creating the perfect, most beautiful, tidiest house.

There is a gigantic gray area between having a home that should be on the show hoarders and having a home that should be in a Crate & Barrel catalog. Ask yourself: what is good enough?

Studies show that clutter and mess can have detrimental effects on our stress and anxiety levels. How much clutter and mess can you handle is appropriate for a your home before it impacts your mental health?

Clutter has also been found to increase family tension. How much clutter is acceptable in your home without it creating fights amongst you and your spouse, or you and your kids, et cetera.[00:28:00] Untidy spaces have been found to increase mental load. of the person who’s generally in charge of household maintenance in many homes, that tends to be the woman, despite the fact that it’s 2022, and it’s not 1950.

Don’t even get me started , but how much stuff can your home hold without your mental load going to that overwhelming place, remember that overwhelming mental loads are linked with feelings of distress and emptiness and lowered life satisfaction. So how much mess is acceptable?

Minimalist podcasts and blogs and influencers and social media accounts, we are all guilty of the same thing. This show I’m including is also guilty of this and that is touting the extreme. We tend to veer towards the Crate & Barrel catalog side of the home spectrum, don’t we?[00:29:00] 

But there is indeed a perfectly adequate middle ground where we can all live quite happily. Now, I will say, when I first found minimalism eight-ish years ago, I went to the extreme. Over the years, my expectations of tidiness have definitely lowered. Maybe it’s because I’m growing wiser. It’s more likely because I’m older and more tired, but I’ve learned that my home does not need to be picture perfect all the time.

There is a difference for me between being tidy and being easily tidied, and that is the gift that minimalism gives me. My home isn’t tidy all the time, but it is always easily tidied.

Just this weekend. Another quick story. This is the last story I promise, but just this past weekend, my younger daughter had a play date with a new friend and so a [00:30:00] new family. I did want to resent a good first impression to this new family, this potential new friend for me, even.

And so it was a last minute play date and when we made the plans, my house wasn’t tidy. Not at all. We were coming off of a weekend with, with the kids home, destroying every area. But for me, when it comes to home things, moderation means that 90% of the time my house is not looking perfect because again, what am I losing by spending so much mental energy working towards the extreme of a Crate & Barrel looking home so it’s not perfect, but it’s easily tidied. It takes me 15 minutes tops to tidy my house. That is house moderation for me these days, and it is acceptable. It is me living boldly, happily in the gray area.

And so I ask you too, when it comes to your home, [00:31:00] what’s good enough?

The final word

When we think about moderation, we often think about not overdoing something.

So not eating so much, not drinking so much, not working so much. When we overdo activities that overdoing will likely have a negative impact on the future.

Today I want you to expand your thinking about moderation by first asking yourself, What are you underdoing? 

What are you not doing enough? What can you do slightly more of to reach the middle. When [00:32:00] we think about personal growth, it’s important to remember that when we start integrating the areas of our lives that we traditionally put on the back burner – that we’ve traditionally given the least amount of attention – that’s when and where real growth happens.

Resources mentioned:

• Lagom: The Swedish Secret of Living Well
• Moderation Is the Key to Life (via Psychology Today)
• The Case for Moderation
• Want more episodes like this one? Check out #314: Rise and Grind

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